Impending Doom!

Have you ever had a sense that something terrible was about to happen? If not, be grateful. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. Worse than motion sickness on a winding mountain road that seems to have no end. Worse than knowing the dentist is about to give you one of those roof-of-the-mouth shots before he starts drilling. Worse than...well, just about anything I can think of.
I have that feeling right now. I'm not sure why. I guess that's partly why it's such a bad feeling. You just know that something is not right but you can't really place your finger on what exactly is wrong. It's just plain bad.
I told my husband that I have this knot in my stomach. It's close to causing nausea, but not quite there yet. Just teetering on the edge....
There's so much stuff going on in my life right now that sometimes I can't remember what I was saying or doing less than five seconds previous. I'm not a worrier, but by nature I am a concern-er. I guess it's my way of rationalizing worry. I say, "I'm not worried about (fill in the blank). I'm just concerned."
We, as Christians especially, say we don't worry. Worry is bad. Worry is sin. Worry is a lack of faith. But, we do worry. We mask it the best we can. We give it to God, but we keep a small  piece for ourselves just in case God can't handle it. Then, we ask others to pray about it but what we're really saying, most of the time, is will you help me worry about this because I need to know someone else is worried with me.
You're reading this and thinking to yourself, "She's nuts!" but you know deep down inside that you've been in this same place many times before.
I'm tired of worrying. I'm sick of being concerned over things I have no control over. I don't want the burden anymore. I'm almost at the point that I don't even care what happens next. Almost.
Oh, maybe I'm onto something now. Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be? Maybe that's the place God wants me to be with all the stuff in my life. There must be a happy medium somewhere between not-caring and caring too much. I'm searching for that happy place but I'm not there yet.
If I give my situation totally to God, then I have no control over it anymore, right?  Well, kind of right. If I give the situation and the results to God, then He is totally able to handle it all on His own. But, I'm still responsible for the part I play in it. It's similar to a play or movie. Each actor is responsible to learn their lines and movements but the director is ultimately responsible for the outcome. I'm responsible to do my part in a Christ-like manner in all situations but the end result truly belongs to God. You know, Alpha and Omega. Beginning and End. Amen.
I must allow Him to direct my path, my actions, my words, even my thoughts. I'm working on it, little by little. I'm asking Him to show me the things that need cleaning up in my own life and how I can help others do the same. He's working. I'm listening.
So, for today, I'll live with the feeling of impending doom. I'll try not to worry and I'll try not to be concerned. I'll just discuss it with God and ask Him for direction and leave the outcome to Him. But, in the meantime, I might take some dramamine or pepto. Maybe a Tums or two. Or three.

Here Comes Peter-Cottontail...or maybe not

Sometimes I believe I am the only living human who truly appreciates a chocolate Easter Bunny. My children have a pseudo-appreciation for them only because of my appreciation. You see, every Easter, since I can remember, my mother has given me a chocolate Easter bunny. No matter where I lived, no matter my age...the chocolate Easter Bunny was there. When I was a little girl my chocolate bunny would be waiting for me in my Easter basket before we left for church Easter morning. As I grew older, married, and moved away, she  would mail them to me in a shoebox. As my own family increased, so did the number of bunnies in the shoebox. As she got older and it became harder to get where she needed to go, she would have the bunnies waiting for me when I visited - either before or after Easter - sometimes several months later. But, she never forgot. It was always there. Funny thing is, I still have some of those chocolate bunnies in my freezer. I never really eat the bunnies. I just get them, smile, and place them in the freezer thinking that I might chop a chunk off when my chocolate cravings start. And, sometimes I do, but mostly I don't. My chocolate bunnies are like a child's security blanket or their pacifier or maybe their nightlight. It's not that I really need them. It's just nice to kinow that they're there...just in case.
This Easter will be bittersweet. My mom died of cancer almost 6 months ago. This will be my first Easter without her and without my chocolate Easter bunny. It is a semi-sad time. Semi-sad because I miss her and her grumpy ways, but not so sad because she's not grumpy anymore and how can I really miss someone that I know I'll be seeing again. And, for what it's worth, I know that if she could, Mom would send me a chocolate Easter bunny.