Impending Doom!

Have you ever had a sense that something terrible was about to happen? If not, be grateful. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. Worse than motion sickness on a winding mountain road that seems to have no end. Worse than knowing the dentist is about to give you one of those roof-of-the-mouth shots before he starts drilling. Worse than...well, just about anything I can think of.
I have that feeling right now. I'm not sure why. I guess that's partly why it's such a bad feeling. You just know that something is not right but you can't really place your finger on what exactly is wrong. It's just plain bad.
I told my husband that I have this knot in my stomach. It's close to causing nausea, but not quite there yet. Just teetering on the edge....
There's so much stuff going on in my life right now that sometimes I can't remember what I was saying or doing less than five seconds previous. I'm not a worrier, but by nature I am a concern-er. I guess it's my way of rationalizing worry. I say, "I'm not worried about (fill in the blank). I'm just concerned."
We, as Christians especially, say we don't worry. Worry is bad. Worry is sin. Worry is a lack of faith. But, we do worry. We mask it the best we can. We give it to God, but we keep a small  piece for ourselves just in case God can't handle it. Then, we ask others to pray about it but what we're really saying, most of the time, is will you help me worry about this because I need to know someone else is worried with me.
You're reading this and thinking to yourself, "She's nuts!" but you know deep down inside that you've been in this same place many times before.
I'm tired of worrying. I'm sick of being concerned over things I have no control over. I don't want the burden anymore. I'm almost at the point that I don't even care what happens next. Almost.
Oh, maybe I'm onto something now. Maybe that's where I'm supposed to be? Maybe that's the place God wants me to be with all the stuff in my life. There must be a happy medium somewhere between not-caring and caring too much. I'm searching for that happy place but I'm not there yet.
If I give my situation totally to God, then I have no control over it anymore, right?  Well, kind of right. If I give the situation and the results to God, then He is totally able to handle it all on His own. But, I'm still responsible for the part I play in it. It's similar to a play or movie. Each actor is responsible to learn their lines and movements but the director is ultimately responsible for the outcome. I'm responsible to do my part in a Christ-like manner in all situations but the end result truly belongs to God. You know, Alpha and Omega. Beginning and End. Amen.
I must allow Him to direct my path, my actions, my words, even my thoughts. I'm working on it, little by little. I'm asking Him to show me the things that need cleaning up in my own life and how I can help others do the same. He's working. I'm listening.
So, for today, I'll live with the feeling of impending doom. I'll try not to worry and I'll try not to be concerned. I'll just discuss it with God and ask Him for direction and leave the outcome to Him. But, in the meantime, I might take some dramamine or pepto. Maybe a Tums or two. Or three.

Here Comes Peter-Cottontail...or maybe not

Sometimes I believe I am the only living human who truly appreciates a chocolate Easter Bunny. My children have a pseudo-appreciation for them only because of my appreciation. You see, every Easter, since I can remember, my mother has given me a chocolate Easter bunny. No matter where I lived, no matter my age...the chocolate Easter Bunny was there. When I was a little girl my chocolate bunny would be waiting for me in my Easter basket before we left for church Easter morning. As I grew older, married, and moved away, she  would mail them to me in a shoebox. As my own family increased, so did the number of bunnies in the shoebox. As she got older and it became harder to get where she needed to go, she would have the bunnies waiting for me when I visited - either before or after Easter - sometimes several months later. But, she never forgot. It was always there. Funny thing is, I still have some of those chocolate bunnies in my freezer. I never really eat the bunnies. I just get them, smile, and place them in the freezer thinking that I might chop a chunk off when my chocolate cravings start. And, sometimes I do, but mostly I don't. My chocolate bunnies are like a child's security blanket or their pacifier or maybe their nightlight. It's not that I really need them. It's just nice to kinow that they're there...just in case.
This Easter will be bittersweet. My mom died of cancer almost 6 months ago. This will be my first Easter without her and without my chocolate Easter bunny. It is a semi-sad time. Semi-sad because I miss her and her grumpy ways, but not so sad because she's not grumpy anymore and how can I really miss someone that I know I'll be seeing again. And, for what it's worth, I know that if she could, Mom would send me a chocolate Easter bunny.

Thoughts of Heaven

There's a little girl in my Sunday School class, Mallory, who suffers from Leigh's Disease. There's no cure for this and death at a young age is eminent. Mallory is six years old and has probably lived 95% of her expected lifespan at this point Her younger sister suffers from this genetic disease also.
I've known Mallory since she was an infant. She was not diagnosed with this condition until she was a toddler, but I always knew something was a bit different about Mal. She seemed to be a little weaker in her limbs and maybe a little slower to respond. She also seemed to smile more than the other babies and toddlers I came in contact with. She was much more loving and caring, even at a young age. Mallory has always been special to me.Mallory is not doing well. As I write these words she is moaning and restless at home in her bed. Her parents are taking shifts caring for her through the night. They have a nurse to care for her, but they are the ones who are holding her and caressing her and shushing her pain away. They are the ones holding the basin as she vomits the contents of her stomach every few minutes. Her parents are the ones wondering if today will be the day Mallory sees Jesus face to face.
I can't imagine life without any of my children. I can't imagine seeing them suffer from the stick of needles every few days, from the insertion of tubes and gadgets into their little bodies, and from the pain that comes from this and other horrible diseases. I can't fathom what it would be like to see my daughter's beautiful face draw up on one side from paralysis or her eyes cross from lack of muscle tone. I just can't imagine...
But, I can try to imagine the life Mallory will have very soon. One without pain, paralysis, and tears.
A life with a Savior who is waiting for her to come home - to her real, forever home. To meet her Heavenly Father who is not sitting idly while she suffers. No, He has been busy preparing her home and the celebration that will ensue when Mallory enters His Kingdom - a precious daughter of the King.
Mallory gives me a glimpse of Heaven everytime I see her smile or feel her arms around my neck. She has been a precious reminder that there's more to come and what's waiting for us is far greater than what we have already. Thank you, my sweeet Mallory.

It's a small world, after all

Our world is so large and yet so small. As I sit at my desk and write this post, the islands that make up the country of Japan have been devastated by an earthquake, a tsunami, and more than one explosion in a nuclear power plant. And, what's worse, there will probably be more devastation to come as a result of the three aforementioned disasters. Thousands will have lost their lives by the time the tally of the dead is complete. Probably even tens of thousands. I can actually turn on the television set and watch this "live" on some Japanese tv station broadcasting on our local cable network. I do not want to watch the "live" broadcast of this. I'll settle for second-hand information.
I did notice Ann Curry and Diane Sawyer are there amidst the ruin and wreckage. I asked myself, "Why are they there? Are they there to offer help to the helpless, food to the hungry, shelter to those without?"  No, I think not. They are there because that's where the big story is. They are there because we are voyeurs who have a freakish desire to be a part of another world without having to experience the horrific results of this disaster. They are also there because of greed and competition. Let's see who can get the most heart-wrenching, tear-jerking story before the other reporter. Let's see who can get the best video of that family who lost four children and a grandmother in the waves of destruction. Let's see who can have the highest ratings when the Nielsens come out.
I hate to sound like the skeptic that I am and I also hate to sound like a mostly negative person, but when it comes to the media, that's actually what I am.  Sure, the networks and news sources can say they're doing it for us, but that's untrue. They're doing it for themselves. I'm sure Ann Curry and Diane Sawyer will be changed somewhat by what they experience in Japan and that's well and good. Hopefully, we Americans will be changed by what they show and tell us. But, in the end, is it really worth it?  Are we changed enough to act upon what we see and hear? Do we, especially the Christians, see enough that we want to offer hope to a hopeless world? Do we continue to sit in front of our computers and televisions and watch, or do we get up and act upon what we see? Do we sit at the dinner table and just talk about those poor people in Japan (and Haiti) or do we actually stand up and do something? I'm sure the networks would disagree with me, but that's ok. I disagree with them most of the time anyway.
Japan is known as "The land of the rising sun" - My prayer today, for the people of Japan, is that their hearts will be opened to the God who loves them. That they will seek and know the One who heals and restores - not only physically, but spiritually. That the Son will rise within them.
My prayer for us here in the Good Ol' US of A is that we will seek to be the ones that bring good news to those in need...in Japan, Haiti, and right here at home.

Kids say the darndest things...

Kids are strange and fascinating creatures. Has society, namely the internet, corrupted them already? In fact, has it pushed them to the point that they believe everything that's told to them by their friends, stuff they read in magazines, things they watch on television and all that dreaded junk that urban legends are made of? Example in point:  Little Neighbor Girl came over to play with Youngest Son. I informed her that Youngest Girl and Youngest Son had gone to see the Justin Beiber movie. Little Neighbor Girl had a look of utter disgust on her face and then proceeded to tell me that the Beib doesn't really sing and she knows this to be a fact. She watched a documentary (you might ask yourself, at this point, how many 8 yr. olds watch documentaries?) that showed someone sneaking backstage during a concert. They snapped a picture of a person standing directly behind Justin B.,with only a curtain separating them, singing into a microphone! Can you believe it? The Beib is a "lip singer" - her words, not mine. I kindly explained to her that the "documentary" she watched was probably not accurate and that if Justin Beiber had been caught on tape/film "lip singing" - remember, her words, not mine - there would be a great amount of hoopla surrounding it. She just shook her head and said it was true, turned around and walked off.
You know, I could care less if Justin Beiber "lip sings" or not. I could care less if he lip syncs too. My point is we have so much garbage floating around that our kids are bombarded with lies, falsehoods, and just too much information on all fronts. There is coming a generation that will believe in nothing because they just don't know what's true and what's not. In fact, that generation is probably already here.
Another case in point: Youngest Daughter has been checking out a popular magazine for seventeen yr. olds from our public library. Obviously, the young adult librarian has been previewing the magaznines before they hit the shelves and removes any "objectionable" material. Some folks would call this a form of censorship. I call it protection. And, I appreciate it.
Anyway....Youngest Daughter has been given a free subscription to said magazine. The first copy arrived in the mail last week. Youngest Daughter was not home when the mail arrived, so I decided to look through the rag a bit to catch up on the latest fashion and makeup trends. I was appalled, to say the least, at what I saw. Sandwiched between cheesy perfume ads (Mariah Carey's Bling Candy) and the article telling one how to acheive super voluminous hair, was an entire section on how to "hook-up" the right way and how to tell if a guy is really "into you" - and the  words "into you" were meant quite literally. Oh, lest I forget to mention the three or four pages dedicated to "sex secrets no one tells you".
I became Miss Censorship and started pulling out pages one by one. Was Youngest Daughter angered by my mutilation of her brand new magazine? No, not in the least (whew!). She was actually grateful and said so. Had she not had my super-dooper censorship abilities working for her, she would have read those articles and probably been influenced in an extremely negative way.
I am sitting her shaking my head wearily as I type these words. It concerns me for my own children most of all, but what about those kids whose parents don't censor (protect)? What are they, namely our young girls, going to believe about themselves and life in general? I think I'll come back to this topic again really soon, but for now  I must go check the mail. Who knows what's waiting in the box this time.

money vs mom

I received a small check in the mail yesterday. It was my portion of a life insurance policy mom had which designated her four children as beneficiaries. Now, granted, it is a very small amount of money but it is enough to help cover the cost of some much-needed dental work and for that I'm thankful.
When I opened the envelope, read the letter of condolence, and looked at the check, I just gazed upward and said, "Thanks, Mom."  You can't read the sarcasm in my voice as I said that simple statement yesterday, but it was there. Don't get me wrong. I'm always happy to receive money, especially unexpectedly, in the mail. But, in truth, I would much rather have my mom.
It's amazing how much your life changes, no matter your age, once your parents are gone. I told my kids the other day that I am now, according to the world's standards, an orphan. I felt sad. I felt incomplete. For some reason, I felt lonely. I knew I was different too. I knew I had changed. Maybe not an outward change, but something on the inside that just felt empty and void of something that really should be there because it's been there all your life.
Mothers have this sneaky trick they like to play on their kids.They birth them, they nurture them, they grow them into adult-hood. They stay in touch with their lives through the vast technologies of today and then, here's the sneaky part, they leave them.
Yes, I'm an orphan. I have no parents. I will never have parents again. I'm too old for foster care and no one really wants to adopt an almost-fifty-year-old woman with grown children of her own.
I guess I'll just be happy for the memories and the money.
Thanks again, Mom.

Sunday Observations

I am very new at this but have decided that I CAN do this thing they call "blog".  I now know the word itself stands for "weblog"  thanks to Alex Trebek. And, if two of my four children can do it, then by golly, so can I.
I've come to some conclusions today. I conclude that I will never be slender again (barring a dastardly illness that rids my body of all excess fat), I will never divorce my husband (no matter how irritated I get when he misplaces things), and I will never be famous.
Let me explain how I came to these conclusions:
The first one...being slender again - I love to eat and I like almost all foods. I don't like to exercise. So, food + all foods + no exercise = never slender again. And, I'm ok with that.
The second one...divorce - I love my husband more than life itself. I made a promise to him, to my Heavenly Father, and to myself and I always keep my promises. Nuff said.
The third one...never famous  - this is the one I want to elaborate the most on. You see I really don't want to be famous, only mildly adored.  Well, not mildly adored really, just maybe simply looked-up-to among my peers. Well, maybe that's pushing it too. I guess I just want to be liked. I think we humans struggle with the desire to be a part of something, to be accepted by those around us, to be liked and appreciated for who we are. That doesn't change when you leave the teenage years, the twenties, the thirties, the forties, or even the fifties. I think it hangs around for a lifetime.  I, for one, struggle sometimes with feelings of being "out of the loop" or "off the radar" in my own community and it's hard to keep plugging away. But, then, I sit down and read those words penned for me from my Father. He knows me best and loves me most. He always reaffirms His love for me. He tells me that I'm a beautiful creation and that He was pleased when He made me. He tells me that He has definite plans for my life, some of which I already know and some yet to be seen. He reassures me that He needs me to fulfill His plan for others. He blesses me with His words and His songs.
No, I will never be famous and that's alright. I have the approval of the One who matters most in this life and the life eternal.